The following post is about the challenges, lessons and growth that I have encountered throughout my journey so far. I am not implying that this is how everyone should go about their journey but I would love to share my story with people and help educate others; that all people are unique and each have their own paths to follow – here is how mine has brought me to where I am so far on my journey.

September 2015

The month I turned Professional. I was over the moon. I could not wait to finish my Double Degree (Bachelor of Science in Psychology/ Bachelor of Sport Coaching and Exercise Science) in November so I could put the books down and practice hard for European Tour School in December. Of course I went to tour school with hopes of getting a tour card however unfortunately I suffered migraines in the first few days and would go to bed every night without eating dinner (very unusual for me). Even though I did not come home successful, I was super excited for the Australian LPGA Summer Season to kick off in January.

First season as a Professional, of course you have high hopes to do well however realistically things often do not go the way you wish they would. I found the step from Amateur golf to Professional Golf huge. All these women on tour are as serious as I am and work just as hard, if not harder. My results were not matching up to my expectations and I began to get frustrated. I wasn’t making the cut in tournaments and beating myself up mentally. “What is wrong with me?”

February 2016

I noticed in my tournaments I was starting to lose distance with my shots. I was so confused. I thought after 6 weeks of back to back playing my game would improve but my timing and distance was saying otherwise.

I remember to this day, after missing the cut at Victorian Open in Barwon Heads, sitting down with my parents and getting so offended by them questioning my golfing ability; but I know now they were trying to seek out the best way for me to perform. I remember screaming at the top of my lungs and absolutely balling my eyes out because I thought they didn’t believe in me. The case was that I did not believe in myself.

March 2016

After a not so successful Australian LPGA Summer, I decided to go to China Tour School with my Dad. I remember the early morning starts (5:30am) to achieve the most out of the day whilst I was there. I wanted to provide myself with the greatest opportunity to play however each day I felt so exhausted that I had to be in bed by 6pm and again I had no interest in dinner however I forced myself to eat. On the second morning, I woke up with slightly puffy eyes. I thought I had an allergic reaction to the pollution (as this was the first time I had played golf in China) or was it the seafood soup everyone had last night? I tried to ignore it and pushed myself through the tournament. The second round of the tournament, I was struggling. I was so tired but just managed to scrape through to make the cut for the final round. That night I called mum in tears, telling her ‘I’m so tired, I have the puffiest eyes and I don’t know what is wrong with me.’ Dad had given me a stern word as for the past three months every time I went away I was sick and he thought that I just wasn’t accustomed to this career.

The morning of the final round, I woke up and I could not even swallow. I could not eat anything! I even struggled to drink orange juice. I went out and played the final round in 33 degrees celsius with 90% humidity, without any food in my system. Of course I felt faint. I remember trying to swing the club but I had no energy. I started hitting massive rope hooks; my body began to slow down and my arms sped up. The only thing that had got me through the 18 holes was a couple handfuls of M&Ms (even though it hurt so much to swallow, I needed the sugar hit to keep me going).

I missed my card and proceeded to the hotel to go straight to bed. The next morning we checked out of the hotel and travelled to Hong Kong. We had to spend a day in Hong Kong sightseeing to kill time before our plane flight home. I remember asking my friend Leticia and her mum in the taxi next to me if they thought it was hot. I was sweating profusely. After over a day of travel to get home, Mum picked us up at the airport and couldn’t believe the way I looked. Pale, puffy eyes, exhausted.

The next day I went and saw my doctor who sent me for a blood test immediately. The following day, I got the news that I had severe glandular fever and had been playing tournaments with it for the past 3 months; which meant I also had chronic fatigue. The prognosis was that I was not allowed to do anything. All I was allowed to do was sleep. No drugs could help, just sleep!

My parents had a planned cruise and reluctantly went away as they felt a little relieved  knowing that my sister and her fiancé who lived with us were there to help me. The days were lonely and long and I felt so isolated with no golf, no activities, no socialising…… this is when I started to deteriorate mentally.

For 4 months, I was not able to touch a golf club, socialise or do any form of exercise. All I did was watch television or read but to be honest, I was too tired to even do that. I began to think I had no purpose in life and became very down. I then got a referral to see a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) Psychologist weekly to help me deal with the thoughts that were coming into my head. I never thought I would be so down about life. I have always been the most positive, bubbly, carefree person. I did not recognise who I was. I felt I would never achieve what I wanted in life and this depression would stop me from achieving my goal because I am already 23 years old. I questioned myself, “Am getting too old to become a Professional Golfer?”.

July 2016

I picked up a golf club, after attending yoga 3 times a week for the past 4 weeks. I decided in August that I was going to try for Japanese Tour School even though I hadn’t been playing golf. It was tough! I would do an hour one day and the next day I was so exhausted that I couldn’t get out of bed. I attempted two hours the next day as I felt slightly better but was exhausted again the next day. I tried to live a normal life by catching up with friends for dinner; then wake up sick because I had pushed myself too hard. It was a constant battle; trying to understand if I was just tired because I was undertaking more physical activity or because my body physically had no energy to operate. It was trial and error. I was constantly sick; my immune system was so weak that I could not come into contact with anyone who had a slight cold. I had to judge my energy levels every morning, plus I could not commit to anything because I did not want to let people down or let myself down.

Not scheduling was hard because I am such a planned person. If I could not tick off my schedule, I would feel so under achieved.

The biggest lesson I have learned from this period in my life is that health is so important and your body cannot always do as much as your mind would like it to do. I realised that I had always burnt the candle at both ends; trying to complete a double degree, trying to work a casual job, trying to become a professional golfer and trying to have a social life. I would never give my mind and body a break because I wanted to be successful so badly. The stress I put myself under is what I believe caused my sickness. To this day, I am still learning to relax a little and not push too hard. This is a constant battle I have with myself as I am so motivated and dedicated that I will exert every energy cell in my body until I am exhausted. My body is still not back to the way it was prior to Glandular Fever. I need to be more cautious with how I treat my body because of fear I may relapse or worse; which will end my career.